Achieving Your Goal and the Pseudo-Inspirational Poster

YES WE CAN!
(The Pseudo-Inspirational Poster)
[Iona, Scotland--Courtesy of Tricia McReynolds]

It's been a while. Since I've last written to you all, I've done these things:

• Had family and loved ones visit
• Saw Obama speak in Belfast
• Met the Lord Mayor of Belfast
• Have been to London
• Went on a YAV retreat to Scotland
• Said a bunch of goodbyes to people I'll never forget
• And so much more!!!!!

I mention these things not to sound cultured or to name-drop, but because I want to point out how many opportunities God has blessed me with throughout this year. Can you imagine if I were to make a list of things I've done that bullet-pointed the entire year? If you were to tell a younger me of all the beautiful experiences, travels, and people I met this year, younger me wouldn't have believed you. Maybe I could believe living somewhere else in the world, but not for a year.

But God is full of surprises, isn't he?

Recently I achieved a goal and I'm very proud of myself for it. It may not sound very YAV-oriented at times, but I promise it actually connects quite well to my YAV journey. Let me explain...

One of the things the UK and Ireland really, really focus on is prayer. We do in the States too, but it feels different here. I don't know how to describe it. Sometimes in the States, I felt like I've prayed for something with a group of people, and we genuinely care about what we're praying about, or who, but we don't stop and take the time to feel it, to really soak it in. Italics for emphasis. Haha. But for real, the Northern Irish go out of there way to wait and to feel God's presence.

Haggis Burger
(It Was More Than Delicious)

I went to a 3 week training program for prayer ministry. It fascinated me and I loved it. While we were there, we were encouraged to put our hand lightly on the person's shoulder we were praying over (if we had the person's consent), and then just wait for God's presence. What I found most affective was to repeat "Come, Lord Jesus, Come." Once you have that, God does the rest. I'm not saying that always, every time, God is going to work through you with the perfect words for everyone and everyone is healed. Nah. But it at least gives you the basis that God's love is there, and that is my favorite aspect of Christianity. Just spreading God's love.

But I digress. The goal.

In Chicago, I lost confidence, motivation, and sight of who I was. I froze and couldn't do anything unless it was in a class. I would only act in an acting class, I wouldn't go out of my way to do improv, I wouldn't push to get my play performed. This was the opposite of high school, where I was in multiple plays, co-wrote plays, and co-created a sketch group that did live events and a public access tv show, which I think is pretty ambitious for a teenager.

I don't blame Chicago or Columbia for my dilemma. Both are places with wonderful opportunities. My confidence just happened to drop around that time, a time when I should have been making connections and thriving. The last three years there turned into a terrible phycological cycle/battle, especially the last two. I remember thinking:

"If you can't make a serious artistic move now, then when will you? Ever? Never?"

or

"Why don't you audition for something? Does it actually not interest you, or are you scared?"

or

"You are getting good feedback, yet you do NOTHING with it. This is a waste. You are being such a waste."

When I'd feel inspired by one of my projects, I'd convince myself what I was inspired about wouldn't work or was stupid. When I looked at what I wrote, I wouldn't give myself credit if it was solid in any way.

To state it simply and dramatically, I was trapped, and I didn't see myself coming out of an artistic rut I had never experienced before: low-confidence. Before Chicago, I felt very confident in myself as an artist or an actor or a writer. For the most part, a person. I still don't know exactly what happened, but the point is, I didn't know how to beat it, and I by the time I came to Belfast, without realizing it, I didn't really feel like an artist anymore.

Some Edinburgh Museum
(There Was A Couple Of Them :/)

God blessed me with a support system here. All the YAVs have been particularly encouraging about my writing and striving to get better at guitar and to play live. I told my flatmate David at the beginning of the year that I wanted to do an open mic, and he said "We're going to make it happen."

What's more, I utilized the prayer ministry I would never have experienced if not for this year. I spent some nights just lying in my bed before I slept, praying, but waiting for God's presence. Asking for courage. Asking me to fill me with His words.

So one day, on a particularly crappy day (I don't remember why it was crappy now), I told some people we were going to the open mic and that I would be playing on a whim. And I did. And I've played once since then, and I'm playing again tomorrow.

I'm slowly regaining an identity I lost: an artist.

For me, that is a huge step. I know that because of this year I've grown in confidence in certain ways, but to play my own songs in front of strangers? That was the kicker. That was a surprise in the best of ways.

Simultaneously, the goal of playing guitar live fulfilled another goal that I had set at the beginning of the year: learn to rely more on God. Without the support system He blessed me with or the prayer ministry training He guided me towards that I utilized to speak to Him more intimately--I wouldn't have been able to do it. Plain and simple.

Just another reason this year rocks. Later! I'll talk to you soon!